The way we talk about having babies and being mothers, in my opinion, lacks dimension. It’s either the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do in your life or one of the worst experiences you’ve ever had. Everything went according to your birth plan or you’re a victim of the medical industrial complex. Either you haven’t showered in days or you can’t ever imagine being so disgusting.
Here’s the real deal about growing a tiny human and then raising them. It’s a mixed bag. Sometimes it’s amazing, sometimes you get poop kicked in your face, and sometimes during an impromptu family sing-a-long your toddler is so engrossed in the singing that she pees on you. And I think it’s important to acknowledge the really hard things about being a mother, but to paint it as an all singing, all dancing, all crying production of misery insults the intelligence of everyone. I think it’s important to talk about the wonderful moments, maybe to attempt to describe how your heart bursts when you hear your baby say, “I love you too” for the first time, but to pretend that every moment is like that moment ignores the simple reality of the human condition.
I’ll tell you what I know about real women in my life, including myself. Sometimes parenting is terrible and sometimes it’s amazing. Everything might go according to your birth plan, or your baby’s heart rate might plummet and without much time for conversation (even though your midwife does her best) you’re being rolled in for an emergency C-section. Maybe you don’t shower daily, but every other day suits you just fine.
The biggest disservice we do to each other is to pretend that this whole package deal, having babies, raising them, living your life, is simple. There are so many components to it that make it extremely complicated. Some I’m not even a little bit qualified to get into, like how race affects our parenting and how people view our parenting. Or how socioeconomic status changes our priorities. I really think the best we can do is to respect the experience and know that we are all doing the best we can with what we have.
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